They say that every day 10,273 Facebook users die. That’s almost the combined populations of Bluffdale and White City. Imagine walking through deserted streets and empty houses in Bluffdale, everyone gone, only the occasional month old newspaper blowing across the street. Even the prison would be empty: no guards patrolling the halls, no inmates banging tin cups on their cell bars.
It reminded me of the Michael Crichton book The Andromeda Strain where an unmanned government spacecraft carrying an other-worldly virus crashes in rural Utah and wipes out the town. Then, the more I thought, the more it seemed like Woodbury, the town in The Walking Dead. In the book everyone dies but in Woodbury there are some alive and some dead. Real people and zombies in the same town. We all know how well that’s working out for the humans.
That’s what 10,273 Facebook users dying every day means: 10,273 chances for virtual zombies among the virtual people. Abandoned Facebook profiles are fertile bodies for virtual zombies to inhabit. Suppose someone gets your Facebook information and starts posting as you. All of a sudden instead of cute updates about the kids or grandkids your Facebook friends are reading that you and Henry Winkler are now best buddies and playing golf together in Palm Springs because you took his advice and got a reverse mortgage. Or that Viagra saved your marriage and you have a direct line to a below-cost supplier of the little blue pill and anyone who wants some can contact you.
Imagine your Facebook LinkedIn, Pinterest, and Twitter accounts under the evil control of a virtual zombie. It looks like your page but it’s….not….really….you. Like the stumbling, drooling zombies in Woodbury that thing on your friends’ screens is horrible but familiar, which only makes it more horrible. They’ll recoil in fear that if they let it, zombie-you will take them over, turning their accounts into hideous replications of zombie-them.
What’s a person to do? Virtual zombies are worse than real zombies. All it takes to put a real zombie to rest permanently is a well-aimed bullet or an A-Rod swing of a tire iron to the head. Sure, someone can un-friend the zombie-you but your virtual zombie is still alive (or at least undead) and free to wreak havoc on millions of unsuspecting Facebook users. Your virtual legacy could be ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.
More importantly, how can you prepare for virtual doomsday? It’s time to start thinking of the virtual zombie apocalypse, not just the zombie apocalypse. Since you started reading this, another 14 Facebook users have died. That’s 14 more potential virtual zombies lurking in cyberspace. One might be hiding just behind your next mouse click. Where’s your virtual tire iron?
This is serious. Right now the zombie apocalypse fear is getting all the national attention. The virtual zombie apocalypse isn’t on anyone’s radar yet. But it will be, soon. I’ve been in contact with producers at Discovery Channel and National Geographic. My sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, tell me a new show is in the works, Virtual Zombie Apocalypse Preppers (V-ZAP for short). Like the Doomsday Preppers show that chronicles the extreme measures taken by those who expect Armageddon any day from natural causes like earthquake, volcanic eruption, meteor strike or even economic collapse, V-ZAP will go into detail about how those in the know are prepping for the virtual zombie apocalypse. You didn’t hear this from me but word on the street is Bear Grylls will host it. It’s bound to be a hit and when it premieres, probably early next year, you won’t be able to find what you need to survive.
So here’s your spoiler alert. Get your virtual zombie apocalypse survival gear stockpile started.